I cannot believe it's June already. WOWSERS!

Lots to talk about. Where to start? Well, we all moved to Helena. GAG! But for now, it's best for us. We're house searching and coming up with so many dead ends. I cannot believe the prices of houses for rent is ridiculous. There's no way these people that live off of welfare all their lives can afford a $700 house payment. Wow!

I signed Drake up for Kipp. It's a college prep school that starts their elementary program this year. I pray he gets in. I enrolled Syd into the PreK program and she'll start the same day as the rest of the kids.

Emma is doing great. I've had a few rough moments (scary ones too) but so far so good. I will be 25 weeks tomorrow and I cannot believe how fast it's flown by. She's a crazy girl. Oh and btw, she will be Emma. We havent decided on a middle name yet, but i'm crossing my fingers for Reese or Leigh.

On the drama side of things.
My Jasons mom and step dad are going through a divorce. My ex fil has been stalkin my mil's house, and I guess when I finally called the cops about it, the cops said they'd speak to him about staying away from the house. Well, his truck hasnt been around so we've SEEN, but people he runs around with are driving by a lot. Including one of Jasons ex girlfriends. She's with her current boyfriend so I do not think that it's to spy on Jason and I.
Syds mom. WOW! JUST WOW!!! The girl cannot get enough of the drugs. Poor Syd never sees her and Syds been telling us that momma has sores on her face. Meth causes you to pick. Gross!
Jason and I saw her vehicle at a well known meth house. She's been there for several days. It's sad really. I cannot imagine loveing a drug that could eventually kill me more than my child. Sad.

Piper Jane is getting declawed, and her hysterectomy this week. She had her first round of shots last week. So sad. I just dont want to have grand kitties running around the house. LOL Gunner on the other hand, well.....I wanted to get him snipped, but we're going to wait a bit longer.

Anyway, that's the gist of all our happenings. :)

ADHD

So. Took Drake to his doctor appt this morning. He was diagnosed with ADHD. He was put on 5mg of Focalin a day. I gave him some around 230pm and he did pretty well on it today. Coming off of it though....another story. WOW! Irritable and just emotional from end to end. Luckily for us, it was bedtime.

Here's where I fail.I get a big fat F in parenting. I know it's hereditary. I know this well. I just cannot process that I have busted my ass to keep him well adjusted in hopes of keeping him a happy kiddo. But regardless if this was in mycontrol or not, I cant help but feel like a failure.
I called Gary afterwards...He's known of this appt since I made it about a month ago. He hit ignore....Ididnt leave a msg. He didnt even call me back to ask me what was up. I rarely call him. And it seems lately, i've had to call just to make sure he was picking Drake up from school. He seems as if Drake isnt such a priority. Maybe it's been this way all along and maybe i'm finally realizing this? Maybe it's b/c I have went out of my way to keep Drake and Gary's relationship together that now that I dont put the effort out b/c it's not really my place too, he just doesnt care?
I dont know. I'm lost. I'm standing here at a crossroads, confused as hell. And maybe it's all the other stressors in my life that are going on surrounding us....maybe just maybe that's why. We'll never know.Iknow that every storm that has crossed our paths, we make it through even stronger than the last one before.

I love my little boy more than anything else in this world. He andI have been through a lot. We'll get through this. But I need help. Well, I feel as if I need help, when in reality do I?

Only time will tell.

I'm gonna post some pictures of my cute family! :)

Me at 18w5d. I'm actually currently 20w5d.



Baby girl!!!!



Syd and Drake the day Jason and I got married.



Jason and I at Memphis in May 2008

Rainy Day

I just wish this weather would lighten up. It's rained every day for the last week and a half except for yesterday. I really dont know how the people in the NW side of the country dont end up killing themselves!!! I guess that's why there are a lot of emo kids up there....?

We are closer to deciding on a name. Emma is 99% for sure. We cant decide on a middle name. I want Leigh or Reese. Jason is so-so on Leigh. He asked me if Reese was even a girls name. I said "Ummm ya. Reese Witherspoon." He then was ok with it.

People are asking about what I want or need. I'd like a baby shower. But i'm not coming out to say it. I strongly doubt i'm getting one.
But I dont expect anyone to pay for anything big ticket.
I do want a double Medala Electric Breast Pump though.
Really as for neccessities, we need onsies. About 3 packs of each size. Up to 18/24 months. As well as socks. I'd say 2 packs of socks in each size. Bibs and burp cloths. Diapers and wipes.
That's pretty much it.
Of course there are some items I want. But they are not necessary just more for convienence. Like a bouncy seat that vibrates, bumbo, exersaucer, jenny jump up and a sling.We'll get a crib and bedding soon. It's not a must have when the baby is born.

Drake has his ADD testing on Monday. So i'm looking forward that and figuring it all out. He's getting harder to handle and not being to mow my grass regularly and it raining on a regular basis is no help. He's one that needs to go outside to play. He cannot sit on his bottom formore than 5 minutes straight. It literally drives me bonkers. I just feel bad b/c I feel like i'm constantly getting onto him.
Him and his "best friend" were play fighting over a knife in home living at school. And Jayden threw the fork hehad and hit Drakein the temple. Causing a puncture wound.
I'm about sick of that kid. I told Drake to knock the living crap out of the kid. The next day Drakegot in the car to tell me he punched him hard......lol. Drake didnt even get into trouble at school!!! I'm just glad we'll get a break from it all soon, then Drake starts kinder somewhere else this year.
Syd had her tonsils and adnoids removed and tubes put in her ears. She's had hearing loss and a TON of fluid was drained during the surgery. So we're happy toreport she's feeling fine....although we're not letting her get up to play much.
I have you know, that her own birth mother did not show up for this surgery. But who can blame her? It WAS her bday....and cinco de mayo, so therefore that is WAY more important than being with your daughter while she's put under to have surgery!
Jason headed out to get boxes. I cannot wait to move!!!!!!!!

Jason and I went to Helena this wknd. We started looking around for a house. Found an old one I really like on the OUTSIDE. Have yet to see it on the inside.But it doesnt have a yard to play in. I say if we are living in a town with NOTHING productive to do. I want my kids to have a yard to play in.
Told the exhusband we were moving down there. Went better than I imagined. However, this whole thing is gonna be hard. I dont want Drake in the car 6hours onwknds to Garys and 6 hours back. It'snot fair to DRAKE. Honestly, I could care less what position i'm putting Gary in. Our move isnt about HIM.It's about my family. I cant please everyone. And Gary isnt really priority in whom I want to please. Drake however, is.
Also, i'm dealing with a lot right now. I probably wont get a baby shower for my baby. I dont have a lot of money to spare in getting even just the neccessities. I wish Jason would help me figure out a name so I have one less thing to worry about. I'm tired of some people underminding my authority when it comes to my kids.Yes, I consider Syd my child.
BTW we found out what the baby is. A GIRL! :)

I took my dad dinner to his room tonight. Can you guess what I smelled? Smoke. Syd has her surgery on Tuesday and my dads room is directly below Syds. And he's STILL smoking!!! I've asked him SO many times to go outside. He says he is, he tells me he doesnt smoke in his room. Why do people feel it neccessary to lie to me. I am NOT dumb!!!
He said he'd just quit smoking altogether. But yet, I just smelled it again sitting in the living room.
I really dont understand it.
The smoke aggravates Syd's ears. Plus it causes her ear infections to reoccur.
I dunno.....

It seems that all I do is bitch

But seriously? I dont understand why some people do the things they do. I dont recall if I mentioned this or not, but my dads "friends" walked up into my house as if they owned the place while we were gone for a funeral. My dad was asleep.
Anyway, last night Jason and I kept hearing a knock on the door but when we checked outside there wasnt anyone there. The second time it happened, we jumped up and looked and noone was there again. I decided to call the cops. The police dpt asked ifI wanted an officer to come talk to us or just patrol the neighborhood. I said, patrolling the neighborhood would be fine. My dad woke up this morning and asked if the cops came by. He then said the knocks sounded like gunfire. Gunfire? In this little safe town? Highly unlikely! Not to mention, I live in a safe neighborhood as well. I honestly think the neighbor boy had some friends over and started to play jokes. No biggy. Anyway, I said "Gunfire in this town? Ya right" He said it's quite possible, so I popped off with "Well with your shady friends, probably". It was rude, I know it was. But i'm sorry. I'm just puttinga barrier up so that when he does kill himself (be it, depression, alcohol poisoning, or something else) it doesnt hurt so much. He has done this to himself. He has gone so down hill that I honestly dont want to have a close relationship with him anymore. I cant. I dont know how too. And the sad part is, my mom acts as if I dont exist.
This is why i'm so adamant about moving near Jasons family. B/c Drakes family isdown that way. As is Syd's and so will this baby's family. I didnt get to grow up in my later years, when it would have mattered more, with myfamily. It's lonely and made me feel so very isolated. My kids need to know their roots. Who their gparents are and were. And it's more important to be around the whole group than just one or two.

I struggle with trying to please everyone. I need to do what's best for me, my kids and my little family i've created. I need that. That's whatmakes me feel complete. Being around someone who brings me down, I just cant do it anymore. I cannot sit here and enable someone then let that person bring me to my lowest level again.

He is a grown man. If he cant act likeit and get his shit straight. Then I refuse to do it. I have my own life I need to take care of. And there are 3 little kids that depend on me.

I've always been fine not having my parents around. I can handle it again.

Seriously?

Ya know? If something doesnt belong to you, do not touch it!!!
I got my camera out of my purse and noticed my USB cable is missing. This is the SECOND time it's gone missing! It's mine. It goes to MY camera dont flipping touch my shit! This means someone had to go into my purse and take it out of my camera case.
I am so sick of this.
Not to mention,while we were gone to Jasons moms house for spring break last month. I came home to my dads mildew smelling washer in my laundry room. My dad told me that my washer hadbustedit's seal so he switched them. Fine, I ran some vinegar through and it smells better now. Except, where's MY washer at?! He gave it to afriend who had NOTHING....so he says. Was that his place or right to do that? NOPE! Now, i'm all forhelping someone out.But when you take my things and pass them on and dont even tell me or better yet ASK me. I have serious problems with this. It's rude and disrespectful.
I found out that some people I dont care tobe in my house were here this past week when we were gone toJasons gma's funeral. The TV had smears on it. So did my new microsuede lounger. (needs to be cleaned, but not the point) How does one eat so much food in one week? I"m beginning to think he's feeding his drug head friends. It's really pissing me off. I do NOT want themhere. I'mnot kidding. They wont come over when i'm here b/c they KNOW i'll call the police. But WTF!?Have some damned respect!!!! Not to mention how they just walked all up in my house like they owned the place while mydad was sleeping and I wasnt home.
My dads g/f is putting me in the middle of their shit. I've had it, i'mfed up. If it wasnt for Syds surgery and the multitude of doc appts we have in the next 2 weeks....i'd already pack my crap up, rent a u-haul and a storage unit and move.
I'm sick of the lies and flat out disrespect. Grow the fuck up!!! You're a grown ass man!
Oh and how about the roaches andants I have in my house? Ya, ive asked the land lord AND the owner to fix the problem. ANd they havent. So, instead of a rent check on May1 they are recieving a 30day notice of an early termination of lease.
They knew of these roaches prior to ourmove in as I asked him to spray.Which didnt happen.So we hadtoget it sprayed 2weeks after ourmove in.
Grrrr

A few of my issues lately.

Ok, my dad lives with me. I knew it wasnt going to work out. I just dont know why I let this happen.
Smoking. It bothers me. Period. Dont smoke around me, dont smoke near the doors standing out side and my GOD.....STOP SMOKING IN YOUR ROOM!!!! I can smell it through the vents.
Stop letting your drughead friends here. I do NOT want them around me or my kids. I didnt want them knowing where I lived, and you chose to let them come over. Disrespect! Leave my cat alone. Dont hit, kick or throw her across the room. AND STOP locking her in my room when i'm gone!!! Her food and litter box are not in my room and I do NOT want poop smelling my room up b/c Piper cant get to her box.
Stop eating like a glutton. I dont mind you eating groceries, but my God. Most of the convienence foods are for the KIDS when I dont feel like cooking. NOT for you to glutton down. Funny how you DONT eat when we're here, yet eat like you'll never eat again when we're gone. STOP putting your dirty clothes into the washer expecting me to wash them. I have to take them out to do mine. Thereis a laundry basket for your clothes in there. That's where they go.
STOP rearranging the house when we leave!!!
Keep your dog off my furniture. Leave Jasons sub woofer and wiring alone!!! Put DVD's BACK in the case when you're done watching b/c now, 2 brand new DVD's are RUINED!!! Stop showering and shaving in my bathroom. You have your own. Noone goes in there but you.
I do NOT want your trashy friend, his wife and their 2 mangey ass kids in my house, messing up my kids books, bedrooms and eating my food. Stop drinking. You're an alcoholic and myGod, it reaks through your pores. These smells make me puke. That's why I went hauling ass to the bathroom and gagged my eyeballs out for 30 minutes several times.
I think i'm done.

Jason and I are talking about moving down to Helena. As much as I despise this town. And semi fear for our safety. I dont think it'll be a huge problem for several factors. Jasons family is known in town and has a good name. We'll be moving into Jasons Grandma and Grandpa's old house once his aunt and uncle move out. So we wont have a house payment. If Jason can get on at the prison where his uncle works, that will give us the extra money to put Drake and Syd into a private school. Also, it puts us near Drakes dads family, Syds family my new baby's family. My family is so far away. And it just doesnt make much sense to stay somewhere that has noone. (NWA) It was lonely growing up w/o my family. I cant do that to my kids. It's isolating. Gary will probably pitch a fit. And I hate moving Drake away from his dad, but I have to do what's best for my family as a whole. Gary doesnt get Drake any extra. Like court ordered visitation such as spring break, christmas and summer. I wont let him dictate where i'm at anymore. I know Drake loves his daddy. But i'm doing what I think is best.

I find out what we're having on Monday. I'll let you guys know. :)

Wow! It's been a while.

Well here's the down low.
* We received Drake and Syd's $ from the accident. Waiting on mine and Jason's.
* We moved in January to a nice house. Huge back yard. Blah.
* We're talking about moving back to Jason's hometown. Financial and family reasons.
* I am pregnant!!! WOW big woops. But we're dealing. I'm due 9.21.09
* Jason and I got married on 4.11.09 :) I love him lots!!!
* Bought a new car and some other things. And we're overall doing a lot better!!!!
* Drake started seeing a counselor and we're getting tested in May for ADD.
* Syd is getting her tonsils and adnoids removed with tubes put in her ears in May. Hopefully this will help her hearing and speech.

It's late, but we just got internet back and I cant log onto blogspot from my cell. So I had to wait. Boo hiss! :p

I'll update more later.

Hmmmm

So we are in settlement stages for Drake. The insurance company offered $1500....Seems like a lot right? But we'd only net $270. Maybe I feel a little taken back b/c to me, $270 is a little low for what we all went through. So we countered $4000. But the net is what we'd get to do with what we need to do.
We'll see what the counter back.

Drake turned 5 yesterday. I cannot believe my baby boy is 5 now. WOW! Time flies. Drake's dad took him to Red Robin and to WalMart to buy some toys.

We are moving btw. Not far. Just 5 minutes away and same school district. The house is beautiful. 4bdr 3 baths HUGE backyard. And it has a HUGE laundry room. I'm excited!!! It's 2300 sq feet downtown. It's a lease purchase so that's AWESOME!!! It was built in the 1960's and has been totally remodeled. LOVE IT! It's perfect!!!!
Jason *should* start back to work this week or next. So that's helpful. His mom is looking into taking over the payments of our explorer so that she can pull the horses. So we'll be looking into getting another car.

I just cannot wait to have so much room, and a huge yard for the kids to play in!!!

...

What it would be like to be able to just have a quiet night with Jason. I am honestly SICK of hearing about how my friends (with kids of course) are constantly going out. I dont care if you're going to the strip clubs, I dont care if you're going to the drag show. I dont care if you have a sitter for 3 days. I DONT CARE!!!
I live off of $350 a month, food stamps, a little help from my dad for utilities and basic needs. So basic I have to ASK FOR HELP to get toilet paper!
And i'm PISSED off that my entire tax check has to go to LATE bills. Like my rent that is late....that I havent paid since November. I cant even buy extra things I want for my family with any of it.

I know it'll get better. It has to right?

I highly doubt that my friends are rubbing it in on purpose. Or honestly dont realize that asking me to babysit for them until 2am is upsetting me. But right now, please dont. Jason and I havent had a night out alone since August.

I just dont want to hear it.

And the Mother of the Year Award goes too.....

NRH-D! For the love she doesnt have for her own daughter!
Sydney's own mother couldnt be bothered to be at her daughters 4th birthday party. What a waste of life she is! Really!!! I really dont understand this. I have taken the day off for Drakes birthdays and when I couldnt I at least took a half day. On top of all this, Syd's Gma let Syd ride in her lap home b/c "there's not a lot of traffic out tonight". I hate Syd's birth mom and I hate Syd's Gma!!! Typically, Syd's Gma will let Syd ride up front in a car seat. While not illegal, it's child endangerment IMO. But letting Syd ride in her lap while she drove is beyond something I can process! I just dont understand what the HELL this woman is thinking KNOWING the kind of wreck we were in. Can I also mention that Xmas night Syd's tonsils were touching and we took Syd back to Gma with the thought that Gma was going to take Syd to the doc on Monday. She was gonna take her Friday the 26th and they were closed. But Syd was obviously in pain!

Anyway. The New Year has started to look a bit up. Jason is going out to lunch with his boss on Thursday and I had an interview today. Ironically, I interviewed for my exhusbands exwife's old position. Wierd. I have no idea if i'll get it or not.
I have to keep reminding myself that things fall into place for a reason.
Jason and I decided to go ahead and get married once my taxes come in. So just a few more weeks. :) I love him with all my heart but right now, we're going through so much. I cannot wait to call him my husband. :)

Drake was diagnosed with Mono. I have no idea where he would have gotten it. But ya. Sucks.