I wish I could view the world as a child again.

Sometimes I hate my life. I have learned to keep some of my thoughts hidden deep. Thoughts I could never express in public, to the person they are intended for or even my blog. I want to be a child again. I dont want the responsibility anymore. This will always be one of my inner demon. Always.
I've never been good with words, so when someone I know has to deal with something tragic.....I always say "i'm sorry". That's all i've ever been able to muster up at most. I dont do well to show much emotion when it's needed. I laugh when i'm in trouble, and apparantly that's a trait i've passed onto my son....It's not a funny laugh. It's an uncontrollable nervous laugh.

Last night, my BFF V's two little girls were over. R is 10 months and J is 5. Syd and J were upstairs playing while Drake was downstairs with me. I asked Drake to go upstairs andget ready for his bath. He came downstairs to tell me that the girls had been in his room andmessed it up. I saw RED. It just brought back memories of when my brothers or my sisters would come into my room andtrash it, then i'd get in trouble andhave to clean up THEIR mess. I grew up with 5 siblings. One of which did some horrible things to me, and my room was MY space. That is the one place that I could go and not really be bothered in a sense. It was my getaway spot. I guess that's why I get so mad and feel so violated when someone goes through personal belongings w/o permission. I made the girls clean his room. Then since they had trashed Syds as well. I made themclean hers. Then they had to sit on the stairs. I was so disgusted when I found out they had been in Drakes room. I know why, but have no idea if that feeling of disgust wasjustifiable or not. This isnt the first time Syd has rummaged through other peoples belongings.

Also Ashli, Jason's Psycho exgf. (Not Baby Mama) She's been stalking my myspace page. Normally I wouldnt care. BUT she's been stealing my words that i've typed out and using them as her own. Seriously? What compels someone to act like that? I was pissed at first, then realized...does this girl really want to be with Jason THAT bad she feels she needs to try to be like me? I leave my page on public. I wont hide from anyone. But why does she feel it neccessary to keep tabs on Jason and I? I can tell you this much, the girls got it coming to her.....
I swear, Jason's dated some real winners.....

Sick kiddo.....

So, I had a hunch something was wrong with Drake. He's been sleeping A LOT and not eating much. I mean, the kid LOVES sloppy joes and when he normally eats two, but only ate 1/2 of one the other night. I KNEW something was up. So, I asked his Ped to test for Mono. He tested positive. :( So, my little man has mono. Sucks. So he's gotta rest and take it easy.
Hopefully he'll be doing that with his dad this wknd while he's at his nana and poppa's in russvegas.....

My cell got shut off today. My cable is officially off now. And it sucks. :(

I over analyze stuff......even my psych teacher said so!!!

So I realized that I was born in July. Which means I was concieved in October. I was born on a Saturday at 1250PM......
My wreck happened in October at 1250PM

Uh ya, wouldnt that be freaky if I died at 1250PM on an October day? Only I would have figured that out. Of course I wouldnt have if I had died......

Like I said, I over analyze too much............

Blah

So, Drake and I were driving home from school today and he started asking me who made what. Like who made grapes? I said God. Who made windows? I said people. This went on for about 5 minutes. Who knew there were about 399495999395 different objects while sitting still at a stop light. Haha!
Anyway, Jason's boss called yesterday. They have a contract coming up soon!!!! So that'll help a lot. Plus if I can get it up off the ground, I want to start selling my cake balls. If anyone will buy them.
They are so yummy too!

So after grocery shopping with Jason, him telling me he wanted strawberry fruit roll ups. I kinda freaked out. Drake is ana to histamines in strawberries and kiwi. Which means he'll go into shock. Swell up severely and we'll have to adminster the epi pen and head straight to the ER (i'll be calling an ambulance rather, since the ER cant get you in immediatly) It could possibly kill him.
Anyway, there are no strawberries in Strawberry Craze Fruit Roll Ups!!! Who'da thunk?!

NWA Drivers SUCK

No really. They do.
Maybe it's that i'm more aware of it now. But STOP TEXTING, Stop eating your g'damned sandwich, for cripes sake quit reading the DAMN paper and picking your nose should be done in private. JUST FOCUS ON THE EFFING ROAD YOU ASSHATS!
I am so sick of almost being side swiped, rear ended, crunched in between the idiot van who runs over the median and the dude that is tailgaiting me b/c we have to go slow b/c of idiot in van ahead of us.
The other night over on Black Tater, a dude in an older tahoe ran a stop sign and almost T-Boned us.
I am not kidding, if anyone hits my car I will personally pull the twit out of the drivers seat and blungeoun them into a pulp with my fist. The lady who hit us in October, well. She's lucky she was being pulled out of her van by a stretcher and uncounsiounce already b/c had she not been, she'd have been on it after I gotten done with her. I know this b/c once I realized we were ok to the fact we were ALIVE, I yelled "WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE?", I remember looking around and I could feel the rage in my eyes and I know the witness who was trying to calm me down told me, that we were ok. That's what mattered, and that the other lady was going to the hospital.
I once loved NW Arkansas. The fact that there isn't enough space on the roads for these idiots in the mornings and afternoons to drive safely and at a safe distance, makes me want to move far away. Where there are roads equipped for the 485883858697040392 idiot drivers in this area.
I cant help the bitterness. I cant make it go away. I'm trying my best to deal with it. But it really isnt that easy. I feel like I took 4 steps ahead and fell 10 steps back again. Yes, we're at the risk of being homeless.
I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel. But how much longer? Only God knows this.

Another inner thing i'm dealing with is: I've called my mom so many times over the last several weeks. Not one call back, calls go unanswered, texts as well. I've tried so hard to have a decent relationship with her, my sisters and the family I didnt get to be with growing up. I dont want to keep trying, but I dont want to lose my family. But at what point do you just stop and realize that they dont want me in their life? That they did just fine w/o me before? I guess maybe I should just quit trying. All my years i've felt that noone has given a care about me. I guess this is where I realize that it's true. The forgotten sister and daughter.

Jason and I still havent found jobs. He is still employeed, but they dont have any contracts until January. Me, well. If I have to be the bread winner, so be it. We still dont even know if he's going to be able to even go back to work.

Apparantly, i'm alone.

Apparantly, my sister got married. Didn't tell me, and expects me to be ok with this. I'm ok with her being married, a huge wedding was planned, Jamaica, etc....but i'm NOT ok with not being told. I'm NOT ok with the fact that my mom never calls me or even returns my calls.
I guess it is bothering me more b/c 1. i'm semi PMSing and 2. I am stressed out to the max.

I cant find a job. I'm really really depressed about it. We are about to lose everything.

I think i'm feeling a bit better.

For those that dont know. Jason, the kids and I were in a serious car accident on 10/29. A lady pulled out in front of us and we hit her at a 45degree angle and caused my SUV to go airborn and roll, landing on the passenger side, facing the opposite direction.
Anyway, Jason has been referred to a nuerologist. He ruptured C5 and C6. My MRI's came back fine. So I am going to go ahead and settle out for myself and my son. I think Jason is planning to go ahead and settle out for his daughter.
He lost work due to this. I was a stay at home mom and with the economy so horrible right now, there are literally NO jobs around here. Which is typically the side of the state that everyone flocks to for jobs. Ya, I cannot find a job anywhere!!!!
Anyway, at this point. Dec 2nd. I havent paid my rent. (I got help with last months rent and stood in the freezing cold for 3 hours to get help while my back muscles locked up. Normally, no problem, but the extent of my injuries, literally.....I was in severe pain.) Normally it's no big deal. But there is no way we'll be able to pay our bills. I get my child support, but that's less than $400. My water is at the risk of being shut off on Friday, cable should get cut off tomorrow and my cell will be on friday as well. I have a car payment due every friday now, furniture payment is due on the 17th and my electricity is due soon as well. I am hoping I can hold off on that one for a bit. I'm sure i'll be getting a d/c notice on that soon.
I have a job interview tomorrow and i'm really looking forward to it. I really hope I can get this position. I have prayed to the Lord above that he help me do a good job and if it's what's best to help me succeed. At this point, I really think it'll be my saving grace for a while.
My kids will not be getting to wake up to a Christmas morning full of toys and clothes. I am having a hard time grasping this. Typically, I dont do much for holidays so I let my son go to his dads family to spend time. But he's already been this year, for the majority of the holidays all year long. Just how it came about. I want him here for Christmas. But I feel selfish if I ask for him that day. I know he'd have a good Christmas with his dads family.

I have fallen into a depression. Please if you pray, please pray that we get through this w/o losing our place to live. We have NO where to go if we lose my place. Please pray that I get this job tomorrow.

Braggin' rights!

Drake the day he was born.

My sexy ass man and I!

Sydney in goofy glasses at Hot Topic

Drake & Sydney with Red Robin

I LOVE this picture of him!

Drake now..... 9/08

First Entry

Typically, I use myspace for my bloggings. I think i'm going to keep my ventings and irrationality away from eyes that may misconstrue and twist my thoughts. Only to use them against me.

I am going to put a disclosure up first and foremost. My blog will not be for the faint at heart. I use my blogging as a place to vent about life, love, kids, family, relationships, friends, etc. I have taught myself over the years to keep friends that I truelly love in my life, to use my words tactfully. To think before I speak. I do for the most part now a days. Used to I would tell people like it was and I dealt with the repercussions of it later on. But I also look at life as, if I cant tell you the truth i'm not going to be fake about something.

Also, in order to keep my sanity I have to have a means to get it out. I do not like putting my close family and friends in the middle unless it's something that I am truelly worried about. I have lived my life by the seat of my pants and i'm done doing that.

Now, down to the nitty gritty of my life and some background.

I graduated HS in 2001. I almost immediatly got married to Gary. We had a little boy in January 2004. Drake is my LIFE. I will do anything to make that little man happy and healthy!!!! Gary and I divorced in 2006. I relished in the fact that I had the freedom I longed for forever and I dated, partied and had a lot of fun! I then started seeing Tim in September of 2007. That man (if he even deserved the term man) is a weak point. Our relationship moved pretty fast. We moved in together in November of 2007 and I quickly moved out 3 weeks later. I never thought i'd ever talk down about someones children and I know the kids cant help it, but I just couldnt see myself with someone who had kids like that. To me, that is a reflection of the kind of parent he was. Yes, he had custody of his boys. But, I tried overlooking his past. I should have listened to myself. We officially split in Jan 2008.
I did a lot more soul searching then I met Jason. He and I started talking VIA myspace. Ha. I honest to God, did NOT want to be with anyone again. For a while. I needed to pick up the pieces of my broken life that was caused by my lack in judgement with the previous.
I met Jason officially on Feb 9, 2008. Just the way he made me feel. He made me feel so good about myself. Something noone has ever been able to accomplish. We became official 2 days later. I even met his family the same day I met him. :) They are wonderful. A week after we decided to try it out, I told him that I just didnt think it was going to work. I couldnt handle the trek to Helena and not knowing when i'd get to see him would be too hard on me. I'd be afraid of him cheating, i'm sure he'd be feeling the same with that too. So I broke it off. I tried to stop talking to him as much as we had. But I couldnt help it, something kept drawing me to him. I'd even hit ignore and call him once a day. But I MISSED his voice terribly.
Jason moved in on Feb 20. He slept in my bed, but he just held me every single night. I felt bad and didnt want him sleeping on the uncomfy couch I had and the spare bedroom didnt have a piece of furniture in it. I figured we both could use that touch. It was a week later when IT finally happened. I just knew that he was it.
Despite worrying if I was making another mistake again. Not b/c I felt that I was, but b/c I was afraid i'd get blindsided again. My heart just couldnt take it anymore.
It's not been all roses in our relationship. We rarely bicker/fight/argue. But I cant say we're perfect. We've had some disagreements and yes i've been mad at him once or twice. As i'm sure i've pissed him off a few times. But I love this man so deeply. He is definately the one.
Sept 25th, he proposed. Despite all the talks we had about him being scared to get remarried. I respected that, so I didnt push it. We had talked about it possibly happening in the future, but I never thought it'd be THIS soon. We set a date of July 18th 2009
We are blending our families together. He has a daughter from a previous marriage and I have Drake from my previous marriage. We are having a time getting our parenting skills in sync, but I feel it'll get there.